APPRECIATION

I just found out that a former co-worker committed suicide after being laid off from her job with the County. She was always kind of a loose cannon when it came to work and she had a reputation of being a trouble maker. She had been in and out of the psych ward to get her head straight, and everytime she would return and fall back into the same rut as before. It was kind of inavoidable as she was working in a super high stress job, and it didn't help that it seemed no one respected her in the workplace, and unfortunately I was guilty of that. Her family even hung her out to dry, and I can't imagine living life like that. Somehow the news of her passing kind of hit me today and it made me appreciate all I have. My awesome wife and pups....my family in West Virginia and Florida, a wee bit of job security....two fake children whom I adore and love...I'm a lucky man. I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with at times, and I definitely have character flaws, but I honestly will do anything for you in a pinch. That's just who I am. Thank you to everyone who sticks by me, even when that can be difficult. I'm very blessed to have you in my life. 

GOTTA GET IT OUT

I guess everyone struggles with their faith at one time or another. My struggle just exhausts me. I want to get closer to God, but the closer I get, the quicker I feel that it isn't for me. I completely believe in God and that will never change. I believe that Jesus walked the Earth and was sent to bring the message to the world. Whether I believe he actually was God or just a messenger sent from God....that's another story. I've tried a few routes to God and they aren't working for me. I have to admit that. I have so long tried to deny that fact. How can someone that believes in "love thy neighbor" not feel close to God in any way?....and I suppose that's the crux of my frustration....I believe and try to live by the basic principles of Christianity....I haven't killed anyone.....My neighbor's wife does not appeal to me.....I love my mother and father.....but the going to church, praying, Jesus loving thing just feels like an ill-fitting pair of underwear. I can go to church, feel great afterwards, but then 20 minutes later feel just as empty as before. It feels like church is just a way for Christians to see other Christians. It's more about being seen by other men than being seen by God. The personal relationship with God is what is important in my eyes. I must admit I envy those that claim to have that relationship, but I, as the undying cynic that I am, somehow think a lot of that is a show as well. 

I guess the reason I am writing this as a note on Facebook is a sort of confession thing. God, I believe you created the Earth and all the creatures contained therein.....I believe Jesus came to show us all how you want your people to live.....but going any further than that is something I am not interested in fighting myself over anymore. So away go my differing translations of the Bible and doctrines of different denominations that have done more to confuse and anger me than anything else and replace them with a peace and sense of contentment that I believe what I believe and those beliefs don't belong in a box or a pew. Sure I'm risking being thrown in the fire of a Pentecostal Hell, but I'm willing to take that chance in exchange for a peaceful remaining life here on Earth. 

That's it. Thanks for reading.