I Love My Dad

Late last night (April 19th, 2013) my father passed away suddenly in his sleep. My Dad wasn't perfect, but he wasn't terrible either. He came from a family that wasn't, for lack of a better word, "lovey-dovey" with each other and that affected Brandon & I growing up, but we always knew he loved us, and we him. In his last decade on Earth, he and I became close for the first time, and those are the times I will remember and cherish forever. He did the best he could in his final year helping my Mom after her stroke and took great care of her until he passed.

Dad,

I love and adore you and I hope you know how much I miss you already and how much I will always miss you. My life will never be the same without you. I thank you for all you taught me. I couldn't have asked for a better father, mentor, and friend.

Love forever,

Brian

SUN DON'T SHINE...THE MOON DON'T MOVE THE TIDES...TO WASH ME CLEAN

You know those rare moments that a song takes you on a journey...a flight through your mind?

No drugs needed...just the smooth sound of an amazing song...

I experience that feeling every time I hear Robin Trower's Bridge Of Sighs.

One of the most beautiful songs ever.

STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS

I’ve spent over half of my 37 years on Earth seriously pondering whether or not God exists and if I had a place among those who believe. I’ve searched under every rock and in every crevice I’ve come across and really haven’t found what I am looking for. But I suppose that’s kind of the point. It’s that I am searching. I am stumbling. I am active.

I converted to Catholicism back in 2006 because it was what I truly felt was in my heart. I suppose I thought that if I stuck to one religion that things would eventually fall into place. They haven’t, but that’s mainly my fault. I’m not known for my ability to concentrate and stick to the task at hand. I suppose I could blame that on something like ADD or any myriad of chemical balances in my brain of which I have concrete evidence of their existence, but I am a guy who likes the path of least resistance and I own up to that. I’m a flake.

What keeps me searching after all this time despite all these self-created obstacles intrigues the hell out of me. There has to be something bigger than myself pulling the strings. I could never be an atheist or feel as though I am in full control of my destiny, despite what I may say to myself. I need help, I need direction, I need hope. I would seriously be a complete wreck if I were exclusively calling the shots in my life.

Recently, I have had moments in my life when, if I were strong in my beliefs, it could have helped me through much easier. My brother was seriously ill and I had to come to terms on losing him forever. But I didn’t feel I could turn to “God” in the biblical sense. There’s nothing worse than someone who only calls when he wants something; and I’m sure the supreme entity feels the same way. I didn’t believe that if my brother did pass, he would be escorted off to some ethereal place full of angelic choirs, G-Rated movies and no smog. When the rubber met the road, I just didn’t believe any of it. But I knew in my core being that if he did leave this mortal coil, he would be taken care of. His soul would live on in some great cosmic soup in the universe. That brought me comfort. Luckily, the worst case scenario never occurred and my brother lives to fight another day. So when I was faced with the first real test of faith in my life, I believe I failed miserably.

Now my mother has had a stroke. My mother. One of the 2 pillars in my life that keep me balanced every day.  So certainly when she fell ill I decided to “let go and let God”, right? Hell no. Not me.  I found myself being contrary (another one of my sparkling personality traits) and letting fate run its course. The biggest example of my mental idiocy was when I found myself rolling my eyes when the hospital chaplain prayed over my Mom for strength. I ROLLED MY EYES! Was this truly how I felt about the situation? Did I really think that the doctors had it all under control and a spiritual intervention wasn’t necessary?  Deep down inside I knew that wasn’t the case. But for some reason I decided to have the brave face. I decided that in the second true test of faith in my life that I was going to take a God mulligan. But why????

I suppose a lot of my apprehension about having faith is the actions of many “people of faith”. Like the extreme anti-religion folk, I find myself flabbergasted by some of the things that are done in the “name of God”. It seems there is another unbelievable story everyday about how a clergyman or Southern Baptist choir director has done something extreme or opposes something completely harmless in the “name of God”. So if I were to consider myself Christian, that automatically lumps me in the same group as those turds. No thanks. I’ll sit over here and wallow in my own stink. But still I have a longing in my soul….As much as I try to deny it, it’s there. Dammit. I suppose I got to try to turn down the noise all around me and look deeper within myself to find the truth I am longing for.

So here I am not really any closer to the answers than I was a year ago, but I still feel as though I need to keep up the search.  I suppose there was no real reason to write all this other than to give the reader a glimpse into my head, and to show you where I stand. Believe it or not, writing this makes things a bit clearer for me and gives me a bit more strength to keep looking within rather than without….and now back to the bad music and fart jokes.

APPRECIATION

I just found out that a former co-worker committed suicide after being laid off from her job with the County. She was always kind of a loose cannon when it came to work and she had a reputation of being a trouble maker. She had been in and out of the psych ward to get her head straight, and everytime she would return and fall back into the same rut as before. It was kind of inavoidable as she was working in a super high stress job, and it didn't help that it seemed no one respected her in the workplace, and unfortunately I was guilty of that. Her family even hung her out to dry, and I can't imagine living life like that. Somehow the news of her passing kind of hit me today and it made me appreciate all I have. My awesome wife and pups....my family in West Virginia and Florida, a wee bit of job security....two fake children whom I adore and love...I'm a lucky man. I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with at times, and I definitely have character flaws, but I honestly will do anything for you in a pinch. That's just who I am. Thank you to everyone who sticks by me, even when that can be difficult. I'm very blessed to have you in my life. 

GOTTA GET IT OUT

I guess everyone struggles with their faith at one time or another. My struggle just exhausts me. I want to get closer to God, but the closer I get, the quicker I feel that it isn't for me. I completely believe in God and that will never change. I believe that Jesus walked the Earth and was sent to bring the message to the world. Whether I believe he actually was God or just a messenger sent from God....that's another story. I've tried a few routes to God and they aren't working for me. I have to admit that. I have so long tried to deny that fact. How can someone that believes in "love thy neighbor" not feel close to God in any way?....and I suppose that's the crux of my frustration....I believe and try to live by the basic principles of Christianity....I haven't killed anyone.....My neighbor's wife does not appeal to me.....I love my mother and father.....but the going to church, praying, Jesus loving thing just feels like an ill-fitting pair of underwear. I can go to church, feel great afterwards, but then 20 minutes later feel just as empty as before. It feels like church is just a way for Christians to see other Christians. It's more about being seen by other men than being seen by God. The personal relationship with God is what is important in my eyes. I must admit I envy those that claim to have that relationship, but I, as the undying cynic that I am, somehow think a lot of that is a show as well. 

I guess the reason I am writing this as a note on Facebook is a sort of confession thing. God, I believe you created the Earth and all the creatures contained therein.....I believe Jesus came to show us all how you want your people to live.....but going any further than that is something I am not interested in fighting myself over anymore. So away go my differing translations of the Bible and doctrines of different denominations that have done more to confuse and anger me than anything else and replace them with a peace and sense of contentment that I believe what I believe and those beliefs don't belong in a box or a pew. Sure I'm risking being thrown in the fire of a Pentecostal Hell, but I'm willing to take that chance in exchange for a peaceful remaining life here on Earth. 

That's it. Thanks for reading.