I’ve spent over half of my 37 years on Earth seriously pondering whether or not God exists and if I had a place among those who believe. I’ve searched under every rock and in every crevice I’ve come across and really haven’t found what I am looking for. But I suppose that’s kind of the point. It’s that I am searching. I am stumbling. I am active.
I converted to Catholicism back in 2006 because it was what I truly felt was in my heart. I suppose I thought that if I stuck to one religion that things would eventually fall into place. They haven’t, but that’s mainly my fault. I’m not known for my ability to concentrate and stick to the task at hand. I suppose I could blame that on something like ADD or any myriad of chemical balances in my brain of which I have concrete evidence of their existence, but I am a guy who likes the path of least resistance and I own up to that. I’m a flake.
What keeps me searching after all this time despite all these self-created obstacles intrigues the hell out of me. There has to be something bigger than myself pulling the strings. I could never be an atheist or feel as though I am in full control of my destiny, despite what I may say to myself. I need help, I need direction, I need hope. I would seriously be a complete wreck if I were exclusively calling the shots in my life.
Recently, I have had moments in my life when, if I were strong in my beliefs, it could have helped me through much easier. My brother was seriously ill and I had to come to terms on losing him forever. But I didn’t feel I could turn to “God” in the biblical sense. There’s nothing worse than someone who only calls when he wants something; and I’m sure the supreme entity feels the same way. I didn’t believe that if my brother did pass, he would be escorted off to some ethereal place full of angelic choirs, G-Rated movies and no smog. When the rubber met the road, I just didn’t believe any of it. But I knew in my core being that if he did leave this mortal coil, he would be taken care of. His soul would live on in some great cosmic soup in the universe. That brought me comfort. Luckily, the worst case scenario never occurred and my brother lives to fight another day. So when I was faced with the first real test of faith in my life, I believe I failed miserably.
Now my mother has had a stroke. My mother. One of the 2 pillars in my life that keep me balanced every day. So certainly when she fell ill I decided to “let go and let God”, right? Hell no. Not me. I found myself being contrary (another one of my sparkling personality traits) and letting fate run its course. The biggest example of my mental idiocy was when I found myself rolling my eyes when the hospital chaplain prayed over my Mom for strength. I ROLLED MY EYES! Was this truly how I felt about the situation? Did I really think that the doctors had it all under control and a spiritual intervention wasn’t necessary? Deep down inside I knew that wasn’t the case. But for some reason I decided to have the brave face. I decided that in the second true test of faith in my life that I was going to take a God mulligan. But why????
I suppose a lot of my apprehension about having faith is the actions of many “people of faith”. Like the extreme anti-religion folk, I find myself flabbergasted by some of the things that are done in the “name of God”. It seems there is another unbelievable story everyday about how a clergyman or Southern Baptist choir director has done something extreme or opposes something completely harmless in the “name of God”. So if I were to consider myself Christian, that automatically lumps me in the same group as those turds. No thanks. I’ll sit over here and wallow in my own stink. But still I have a longing in my soul….As much as I try to deny it, it’s there. Dammit. I suppose I got to try to turn down the noise all around me and look deeper within myself to find the truth I am longing for.
So here I am not really any closer to the answers than I was a year ago, but I still feel as though I need to keep up the search. I suppose there was no real reason to write all this other than to give the reader a glimpse into my head, and to show you where I stand. Believe it or not, writing this makes things a bit clearer for me and gives me a bit more strength to keep looking within rather than without….and now back to the bad music and fart jokes.
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